Pantyhose

Question: How many animals can you fit into a pair of Pantyhose???

Answer: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, possibly some crabs, and a fish no one can find.

Poor Skippy

  A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family, and she is very nervous.  They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.  Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

  It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.  Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog which had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice:

"Skippy!"

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.  This time, she didn't even hesitate.  She let a much louder and longer fart rip.  The father again looked at the dog and yelled:

"Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".  A few minutes later, the woman had to let another one rip.  This time, she didn't even think about it.  She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled:

"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

A Manager & An Engineer

A man flying in a hot-air balloon realized he was lost.  He spotted a man on the ground and reduced altitude until he was within shouting range.

"Excuse me," he shouted, "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

 

The man below responded, "Yes, you are in a hot-air balloon, hovering approximately thirty feet above me.  You are between 51 and 52 degrees North latitude and between 0 and 1 degrees West longitude."

 

"You must be an engineer," responded the balloonist.

 

"I am," the man replied, "How did you know?"

 

"Well," said the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost."

 

Whereupon the man on the ground responded, "You must be a manager."

 

"That I am," replied the balloonist, "But how did you know?"

 

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going.  You have made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.  The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."