-Internet Flows: 2014

Two Italian Immigrants

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit

down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first,

but her attention is galvanized when she hears

one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine", retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady". said the man.

"Who talkin' abouta sexa?"

'I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella "Mississippi".'

BET YA READ IT TWICE!!

Pantyhose

Question: How many animals can you fit into a pair of Pantyhose???

Answer: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, possibly some crabs, and a fish no one can find.

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family, and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog which had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice:

"Skippy!"

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled:

"Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later, the woman had to let another one rip. This time, she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled:

"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

A Manager & An Engineer

A man flying in a hot-air balloon realized he was lost. He spotted a man on the ground and reduced altitude until he was within shouting range.

"Excuse me," he shouted, "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below responded, "Yes, you are in a hot-air balloon, hovering approximately thirty feet above me. You are between 51 and 52 degrees North latitude and between 0 and 1 degrees West longitude."

"You must be an engineer," responded the balloonist.

"I am," the man replied, "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost."

Whereupon the man on the ground responded, "You must be a manager."

"That I am," replied the balloonist, "But how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Never swear at Mom

Two brothers, one five years old and the other 4 years old, were talking upstairs in their bedroom.....

"You know what?" says the 5 year old,

"I think it's about time we start swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell' and you say 'ass' OK?"

"OK!" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Ah hell Mom, I guess I'll have some cheerios."

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. The mother looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice:

"And what do you want for breakfast young man?"

"I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be cheerios."

The Gogh Family

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His dizzy aunt ........................................Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes .................. Gotta Gogh

The constipated uncle ........................... Cant Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ............................................................. Stopn Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ............... U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois ....................... Chica Gogh

His magician uncle .................... Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ............................. Amee Gogh

The American half brother .................... Grin Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ..................... Tan Gogh

A sister who loved disco .......................... Go Gogh

The bird lover uncle ........................... Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst .......................... E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin ........................... Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking...Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ....................... Poe Gogh

And his niece who drives a van... Winnie Bay Gogh

The Compassionate CEO

One afternoon, a wealthy company CEO was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.